Purpose

"It's that little flame, that lights a fire under your ass..."

I never really realized exactly how true that is until a couple days ago.
I realized that I really need a purpose for everything. Even this blog.

This blog doesn't have a purpose--wait no. I shouldn't say that.

Its purpose is for me to be able to say what's on my mind that I wouldn't be able to say in front of people I know.

EVERYTHING has a purpose behind it. "No reason" isn't a good answer. I've realized that over the past few days.

Why am I doing my homework? Because I want good grades. Why am I reading Looking for Alaska? Because I heard about it from the Vlogbrothers. Why do I want to be a nerdfighter so bad? Because they are just made of awesome. But I can't decide what kind of nerdfighter to be. I can't figure out what my nerdiness is.

Which brings me to my second point.

I don't know what I want to do with. I've been in autopilot of "Plan to be an engineer" for so long I don't even know what I originally wanted to do.

Also maybe engineering isn't what I REALLY want to do. Oh dear.

I wish I could ask my sixth-grade self what I want to be. Cause that's when I probably knew better than I do now.

I'm a senior in high school! I need to figure these things out graaagh.

But, this year is already shaping up to be better than last year.

So, I hope this will turn out well.

My brain doesn't seem to like me very much.

Weird problem I have: I can't write large assignments without having a meltdown first.

I'm a horrible procrastinator. Every time I get an assignment that I really don't know what I'm doing on, I will procrastinate and procrastinate until it's about 11 PM before it's due. But it's not because I just don't want to do work.

It's to stave off the meltdown.

It's painful to start writing things that I don't want to write. It's like ripping words out of my brain through my throat as they desperately cling to my synapses. It hurts. The larger the project, the worse it is. So my writing process is a little different from most people.

1) Procrastinate. On the internet.

2) With a huge effort, stop with the internet.

3) Stare at the screen, realize how little I've done and how little time I have to do it in.

4) Feel like an utter failure with no self-control.

5) Procrastinate by writing something else not on the internet.

6) Stop that, with some effort.

7) Try to write something, but fail after one sentence.

8) Go over how I suck at life in my mind.

9) Frustration. Feel like smashing something.

10) Either cry or come very close.

11) After this freakout is done, type something.

12) Keep writing, because somehow that triggered freedom from writer's block.

13) Feel bad about its quality, but hey, at least it's done.

Yep, angsty angsty BAAAAH but I'm a teenager who's a few years behind. While some people grow out of angst at 16, that's when I fully grew into it.

I fail, I know.

But I think I've gotta go and have a meltdown or this will NEVER get done.

Alone

Now I'm all alone....
see when I think that lyric I don't think "Not Alone" but "Missing You".
I feel like a third wheel everywhere I go.
One friend is surrounded by people.
Another one is always attatched to her boyfriend.
Others are always talking to someone else if they're available.
Three that I grew close-ish to went homeschooled.
Two, oh my god, either they are secretly in love or they're the best of friends in the entire world. It's so fun to watch them interact, but if I want to talk to them it's not really practical. Usually I just watch and think how cute it is inside my head.
Anyway. Enough about me shipping my friends.
When I had a misunderstanding with my friend tonight about hanging out, it made me want to cry. That's how pathetic I am.
I just can't handle growing away from every single friend I have at once, especially now. I'm sixteen. I have two years until I'm an actual, real, fully-functioning adult.
I sometimes like being alone. But I can't handle FEELING alone.
But what's worse is feeling like I'm surrounded by a crowd of people but separated by a thin sheet of glass. Because I need to act socially but it feels like I'm trying too hard.
Lately I haven't had anyone I can even complain about this to. It's getting worse.
It's in the awkward inbetween stage of not social, but not totally alone. Leaning toward alone.
I'd rather one or the other.

Ack.

Holy Frickin' Crap Junior Year Is HARD!!!!!!!
I mean, it was hard before right now since this is January, but I missed two days. and now I have:
an AP physics homework to do
two precalc assignments to do (Crap.)
an AP english journal...thingy... (CRAP!!)
an AP history essay (oh dear god.)
all by tomorrow! and it's 6:30 PM!
BTW finals are next week.
shit.
disregard the fact that I am blogging when I could be working, this is why I can't have computer assignments. No self-control when I have internet at my fingertips.
This seems hopeless. sometimes I regret taking all the AP crap i'm taking.
but I feel pressured by college! like they won't accept me if I don't have all this stuff on my application. also, once I'm into something, I can't not finish it, even if it's 2:30 in the morning and my mom has been yelling at me to go to bed. If I do, I'll cry. Really I will. Also feel like a fail.

I have problems.

Voldemort: I like folding all of my ties
Quirrell: and you have no friends, HEY that's a surprise!
weird problem I have: I don't like how Quirrell doesn't shout the HEY in the downloadable soundtrack.
another favorite lyric from AVPM. It makes me feel better and worse at the same time, the fact that I am on the internet makes me feel like I have no self control (well i guess I don't) and wastes time, but it's so frickin hilarious I can forgive myself temporarily. I will TOTALLY regret it later.
also, one of my very rare moments of...fangirlism.
The guy who plays Quirrell is cute and his voice is amazing.
There, I said it.
It was Johnny Tartaglia, now Brian Rosenthal. It must be the musical guys. I didn't used to think that I would say anything like the above, but eh. I suppose I've changed since junior high.

Ron: You guys! Barricade the door! Cho! see if Neville's dead! You guys! Go get snacks! Ah shit we've barricaded the door...
Still, AVPM.
Maybe I'll stop now, I've spent a half an hour on this post and watching AVPM.
Hey, Voldemort is going down is on. Maybe it'll motivate me. :-D

A Very Potter Musical

Yes, that's my new obsession. This post will be littered with flat-out quoting or subtle hints to it...cause it's TOTALLY AWESOME!!
Aw, screwit: i'm just gonna quote it til i run out of good ones i remember. (this could take a while)


Dumbledore: Professor Snape is one of the bravest, kindest, gentlest, SEXIEST men I have ever met!


Ron: EVERY wizard should have a sword, not these drumsticks, YAH!


Hermione: That could entail months of depressing camping, breaking into Gringotts, and drinking boatloads of Polyjuice Potion!
Harry: Well the medallion says that's dumb, so we won't do that.


Voldemort: My new world is about to unfold!
Quirrell: You got beat by a two year old.
Voldemort: I'll kill him this time, through and through.
Quirrell: Or you might just give him another tattoo.


Harry: I love you all, except you, Draco, I can't ****ing stand you.


Ron: And whenever I think about her, I get these pains in my chest and I just KNOW it's her FAULT that BITCH...

Voldemort: Quirrell, we are gonna get you LAID.

Harry: Lalalalala
Dragon: rarararara...


Harry: There are no more Horcruxes, we've destroyed them all.
Voldemort: Wha-EVEN MY ZEFRON POSTER?!
Harry: D-: ESPECIALLY that one...

Snape: MYYYY WEEEIINNNERRRRRR!!!!


Voldemort: Back when I had a body, whooh...I had MAD game with the bitches. Just ask Bellatrix Lestrange.

Ron: BAUUUUUUGHHHHH!!!!! let's go killVOLDEMORT!!!

Goyle: GIVE THAT PLANT NERD!

Harry: Guy's I'm alive!
Everone else: AAAAHH!!!

Quirrell: Sipping tea by the fire is swell...
Voldemort: Pushing people in is fun as well!

hope you had fun reading it.